Linger by Claire Merchant

Author:Claire Merchant [Merchant, Claire]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2017-06-03T23:00:00+00:00

**

I wanted to call James because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. His face was there every time I blinked. His smile, his eyes, the way he laughed. It hurt my heart to think of him, but it was as if my brain was tuned into his frequency. I couldn’t stop, and I wanted to cry, but when I tried to give in to the urge, no tears came out, only dry whimpers. I hated it, I hated feeling like this, like he owned me, he controlled me, like my heart was literally cracking without him, and like I was nothing without him. I wondered how I had lived without him for all those years when his existence was so vital to me now. It was stupid, senseless, pointless, and very painful. I felt like I wasn’t quite whole without him now, but it didn’t quite make sense since I had survived without him before. But, now, it was like he was the beat of my heart, the thrum, the echo, the oxygen that kept me going, the life source of my being. I needed him, but I would need to learn to live without him, to survive without him, no matter what.

I was able to pass the time in the afternoon while I waited for Maria to arrive, but it consisted of a lot of unconstructive fidgeting that eventually evolved into me cleaning the entire house. When Maria arrived, she looked at me with a mixture of disapproval and sympathy. I wasn’t sure which one bothered me more.

“So did you see Scott before?” I asked. I was trying to sound casual, but maybe I was trying too hard.

Maria glanced up at me as she stirred the béchamel sauce she’d made.

“Yes, he came by the restaurant,” she said slowly. “Alice, come and stir this for me.”

I shuffled around behind the sauce. “Did Scott say anything?”

“Sure, we talked about his work, my work.”

“I see. Anything else?”

Maria sighed and began grating some cheese. “Alice, we did not talk about you or James. In fact, neither came up.”

“Oh, I didn’t—”

“Of course not,” she answered, and dropped some cheese in the sauce. “Alice, you are a beautiful girl. Many boys would be lucky to be with you and would appreciate you. Why James? What makes him so special?”

I pressed my lips together. “I don’t know, but it’s him. It’s always been him, Maria. Even when I didn’t see him, I missed him. Maybe that’s why I never moved on because deep down I knew that he was it for me.”

She exhaled and murmured something in Italian under her breath, which sounded like mamma mia, but with more concern.

“What if you are wrong? He is leaving, Alice, he is leaving again – and then what? You need to consider that maybe he is not the only one out there for you.”

I pouted. “I can’t, Maria. I can’t explain it. I just can’t.”

“You worry me.”

“I worry myself. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.”

“There is nothing hopeless about being a romantic.

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